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Sunday, January 30, 2005

Ohh,Those Wacky Wussy Frenchies

I was reading this article just now and I couldn't help but give a big ol' belly laugh.Only the French would arrive at a disaster area with wine and pastries.What did kinda tick me off in the article was this:

The U.S. military bans alcohol aboard naval vessels and sailors generally wear casual clothes only in their quarters.

But French sailors aboard the Jeanne D'Arc pick from wine, beer and other alcoholic drinks, and their ready-made meals come with pate. On deck, they sunbathe in the muggy heat in shorts and sandals.

Well,no shit Sherlock.Our sailors are real warriors,not a bunch of parading pecker-pleasing peacocks.I'll admit,the Frenchies do have a flair and panache,but panache don't win wars.(Then again,neither do the French):



Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome
defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius
Caesar as their new leader)

Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French,
replaced by the Franks *sigh*)
Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally
defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat. Notice it was done by a
German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks)

Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around
511 A.D. He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams. Ever
hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?

Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding
party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D. Muslims lost interest so
Charles claimed a 'great victory'. Notice they didn't follow up and
kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....

Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans',
Christmas 800 A.D. Again this 'empire' fell apart by 840 A.D. -
sheesh. Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense
does that make?

Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses
mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass. France surrenders
Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid medieval France was easily
bullied by real warriors)

Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies
good. This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the
vermin. BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French
swine.

France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D. Battle of Crecy
- 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of
the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow.French knights
are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.) Battle of
Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same. Battle of Agincourt, 1415
A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action. Unfortunately,
a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the
French Frogs and they managed to repel the English. And we all know
where that got her....TOASTY.

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen
Catherine. She killed thousands of protestants and Jews.Hrm...that
sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells?
Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet
they are proud of their heritage?

France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries
to fight rest of Europe over Spain and loses to Frederick William of
Germany)

France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D.
(France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany
plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring
any bells?)

France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D.(France kicks
their own asses) Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows
the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks
Jacobin Republicans!

France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout
to Napoleon - 2nd time. This comes AFTER the Russian Winter
destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy
in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)

France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is
still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)

France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers
Mexico. Wow! Amazing. What an accomplishment. Funny though, when
the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words
told France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tucked
tail and ran.

France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of
Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy
proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles -
can you say bitchslap?) This all started because France opposed the
unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events
that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up
WWI and II on the dumbass French.

France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the hell out
of France - without the aid of USA, France would be speaking German.France only won because Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass
sore-winners in France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of
Versailles to 'punish' the Germans.Notice the resulting conditions
of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.

France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D.(Germany bullies
France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't
even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you
say SCARED?)

France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D.(France
surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made
Polish Army look good. Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship
to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of
good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated
- France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite
country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)

France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu
surrender to Ho Chi Minh)

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often
than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.


Now,that being said,I'm gonna go fix me some Ore-Ida Freedom Fries and smother them in W Ketchup.

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