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Thursday, March 17, 2005

Happy St. Patrick's Day,Ya Bastards!

It was on this day a couple years or so ago,that a drunk Irishman grabbed his tallywhacker and went running wild and nilly willy across the Irish countryside and junkyards,hollering about snakes and demons and such.He eventually drove out every snake,critter,varmint,hippie and unemployed hairdresser in Ireland.(If any of y'all think I'm lying,I dare you to find me a redheaded hairdresser that ain't got a job...no?..then SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE and stop doubting me!)

This mans' name,was Patrick.He was a simple fella.He had a job,a dream,no wife,no kids,no motor car,not a single luxury.He loved G-d,and he loved his beautiful country of Ireland.What he didn't like was the slimy liberal snakes what was criss crossing and getting all uppity in his lush,green land.After so long a time,Patrick had done had enough of this bullshit,and decided to do something about it.

So he grabbed a giant hickory stick in one hand,and a mug of Guinness in the other,and he took to whacking! (yeah,he had Guinness 1000 years before Guinness existed,cause G-d time travelled it back to him..you gotta problem with that?) Ohh L-rd,how he whacked! He whacked everything from A to Z.He stomped bums,hillbillies,snakes,hippies,hairdressers,cab drivers,fighter pilots,cowboys,and anyone else that got in the way of his warpath.Whoooo Nelly,G-d help ya if ya got in the way of Patricks' whacking!Patrick spent damn near 6 consecutive weeks just a whacking every living thing he could set his eyes on (snakes and hippies,especially).

Finally,he stomped on the very last snake in all of Ireland.It was done.There was no snake whatsoever left in Ireland (minus the politicians).Patrick's duty was done,and G-d did not let it go unnoticed.When Patrick died,Almighty G-d looked at what he did in his life,and how goodly and decent and active this man was in his brief,mortal existence on this earth...and G-d let the Pope and other high ranking Catholics of the time,know how pleased He was with Patrick.

The Catholic hierarchy then deemed Patrick,a G-dly man,and gave him the honor of 'Saint'.His fighting spirit and strong soul could not be ignored,and certainly not by the servants of G-d.And now,because of this kick-ass Mick,we have the great Saint Patrick's Day! Eat,drink,and be merry,ya bastards! Patrick gave his time and life so you could,so don't disrespect his sacrifice.

Now,thanks to me,you know the *true* story of St. Paddy's Day.You're welcome. :)

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